I wanted to post this somewhere...

Note: I started writing this for my teacher blog, and decided it was a little too emo and personal, but I didn't want to delete it, because the words and the thoughts have meaning and I want them recorded somewhere for me to look back and realize what they mean and who I was while I was looking for a job as a teacher. 

An interesting side effect of feeling almost constantly rejected in one section of your life is that rejections that come in a different area sting a whole lot more.  It's almost like you think that if life can throw so many rejections in your face in one aspect of your life, the least it could do is let you succeed somewhere, even if it is minor. Boost the confidence a little, or something.

Instead, you have a moment where you find yourself crying hysterically over something that doesn't even matter, as though it is a symptom of the larger problem of your life in general. That you just fail at everything you do.

Because that new rejection, as minor as it may be in the long run, is just the tipping point. It's easier to accept having trouble finding a job in a competitive industry than it is to feel like you were the last kid picked for recess baseball teams.

I'm purposely not providing details of said rejection because, even in the middle of my hysteria, I feel foolish, and I'd rather not further spread the insanity, so suffice it to say that by next week, I will be horrified that this incident was the moment that finally tipped the scales from frustrated acceptance to tears.

Putting Filters on Life

How do you make sure that only the good things matter in your life?  

I guess not every does that, or the world would probably be a much more pleasant place, but I try every day to let the bad things of that day leave with that day and just let them go.  Of course, I'm only human, and very often annoyances and hurt feelings will continue on into new days, but I really do try to let the things that I know won't matter once I forget about them go.  

Like if someone is upset at me because of something that I can't control, I try to let it go.  I try not to dwell on gossip and bad feelings because I remember what it was like to be in a job that made me want to cry every single day I worked there, and part of the reason for that is because I let everything get to me.  Even making less money know, I'm so much happier and less stressed out.  

I'm genuinely curious, so please, comment away.  

Community

One of the things that I love the most about my current job is that we encounter some of the nicest customers that I have ever met.  I guess the one thing about getting your coffee from the same place every day (sometimes more than once), is that you really get to know the people who make it for you, and you start to care about them.

I have a few customers that I really care about.  I've been at this place a little more than three months and I already feel part of a family, and I think that's beautiful.  Sure it can be dysfunctional, and occasionally annoying (like any good family), but the good bits outweigh the bad bits any day of the week.

I'm just amazed at the awesomeness of some of the people that have come into my life because of this job.

Family Moments

At the table tonight, as we're finishing up our delightful dessert (peach crisp!), we are discussing television shows about ghost stories and how much they freak out my cousins.

Aunt: Erin can't watch the ones about children
Erin: OMG YES!  I hate the little kid goats!

Everyone: ...goats?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes a good blog, what gets readers to come back.  I know one of those things is content, lots of content, but the problem for me is that I can't seem to focus my writing.

So, I'm looking for ideas.  If you read this, post a comment and let me know what you think I should write about.  In general, in specific, whatever you can think of.  Maybe I'll draw some ideas from there, or maybe one of the ideas will give me a direction.  We'll see.

Grandmom C, I love you

I'm having a sad post today. My best friend in the whole world lost her grandmother today. I'm very sad for her and her mother, but I'm also glad that her grandmother is finally at peace. She was a very beautiful and strong woman, who beat some really long odds when she was diagnosed with cancer in order to meet her great grandson, and she was able to spend two months getting to know him.

This is a meager tribute to her memory, but I need to do something because I feel she deserves it, especially after she visited my dreams two days ago to make sure that her family knew she was okay. I always thought of her as a surrogate grandparent for myself, as mine have all passed on as well.

I hope that you take everything wonderful from this life with you, and have a wonderful time in the next.  We here will miss you terribly, but we understand, and we hope to see you again someday.

Books and Other things

So, I've moved my thoughts on ditching shampoo to a new blog, so as not to make everyone crazy with daily updates and thoughts about my hair (superficial, much?), but so that I can still keep track of it personally, and if anyone is interested in my progress, they can follow it there as well. I will try to post a photo every day at the very least, and any thoughts I have about the process and how my hair feels.

In news that is not related to my hair, I am up way later than I should be considering I have to work at 6:30 tomorrow and really flipping early pretty much all week. Love it.

I'm excited because the second book in a series (I think?) I'm into comes out in a few days. Really it could just be a sequel and it ends there, but either way, I'm excited because the first book was excellent and I can't wait to see how it goes. Incidentally, the book is The Prophecy of the Sisters and its sequel is Guardian of the Gate. I'm looking forward to it.

Alright, to bed with me.

An experiment

I'm attempting the "no 'poo" method on my hair.  By that I mean that I'm ditching my shampoo for a few weeks (at least) as an experiment to see how it works on my hair.  This concept freaks me out a little bit, but the more I read about it, the more I think it will be good for my particular situation.

The shampoo that I have been using has a product in common with dish detergent.  Seriously?  Dish detergent?  That's frightening.  So yea.  I'm going to give it a go and see what happens.  

Finished object!

Topi complete
Originally uploaded by kitenarie

I'm so happy with how this hat came out - it's cute and I love the little flower detail, which was an addition of my own, because I thought the buttons it called for were a little boring. It's a little bit big on my head, but I'm okay with that in the hopes that it won't flatten my hair when I wear it.

Seriously, I'm pretty much in love with this hat and so excited that I was able to pull it off.

Reflection on Adolescence

I had several realizations while going through my yearbooks from middle school after reconnecting with someone that I knew from there.

1. Middle school is a horrible horrible place.
I submit as evidence the following quote, directly from one of the autograph pages:  "you look good in your yearbook picture, but I know you could do better."  Hello, passive aggression.

2. I had a terrible self-image.
I seriously felt fat and unattractive all through middle school.  Now, my hair certainly left something to be desired, but curly hair is very hard to deal with and half the products I use weren't even on the market then, let alone in a price range my mom would have spent on me at that point in time.  But I'm looking at these photos, and realizing how flipping skinny I was!  I don't know what it was that made me feel so fat, although perhaps it had something to do with the "I know you could do better" referenced above.

3. I was incredibly shy and probably unpopular.
Evidenced by the very notable lack of signatures.

4. I really loved the friends I had and I wish I could find them.
But so far no luck.

I may expound on these thoughts at a later time - realizations that occur after 2AM are tough to flesh out.

I have too much crap

I'm serious.  I think it's time to declutter my life.  I don't know exactly where I want to start, but I do know that it's time to look at what I have with a much more critical eye, and think about whether or not I really need whatever it is.  I have lots of things that I haven't used in so long that I've forgotten that I owned them.  This is a problem.  This is a HUGE problem.

I need less stuff.

Of course I'm not thinking about things like my books - those are precious and I will not give them up.  But I do think that taking care of this will make me feel much better about what I'm doing and where I'm going.  Perhaps in my time off from work this week.

OMG! A post about knitting!

Haha, can you stand it?  So this one is actually going to be about the hat I'm knitting for myself.  I'm making the Topi Hat from Knitty right now.  I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out so far.

This is how it looks so far, and I'm pretty excited that it looks so good.  I will model it on my head as soon as it's finished.  The design calls for buttons on the brim, but I'm thinking I might do crochet flowers instead in one of my other cotton yarns.  I'll have to see how the colors work together.

I just think it is a nice, fun hat that works well for summer (it's cotton).

I'm also really proud of myself because I had to learn a new technique to make it work.  (And I love that you can see my laundry basket back there in the picture).  Heh.

How to be a Good Customer, or Why Your Barista Thinks You are an Idiot

I am throwing this out there for the consideration of anyone who uses a drive thru.  If you are unsure of what you would like to order, the drive thru is not for you.  If you think it is appropriate for your server to describe for you every single juice that we have in the store from the comfort of your car, with other cars waiting behind you, you are out of your ever loving mind.  Stop being lazy.

Though thankfully, I did not have to deal with the crazy lady, I just had the pleasure of listening in, and then watching her ultimately give up and come in anyway, as she well should have.

Late Breaking News

I'm pretty sure that I write this blog for myself. And I'm completely okay with that.

A day off tomorrow, but exciting nevertheless, because my BFF will be going to the hospital to be induced to deliver my niece or nephew! I'm so excited to meet this baby! Plus I'm house sitting for them tomorrow night to keep the pets company.

Started making tips in the new job this week, so that's pretty sweet!

That's really all I've got tonight - I can't think of too much to say, but I hate to break a routine before it's fully established even. I need to keep writing!

Move along, Baby, and reasons why my new job rocks (so far)

June 1st. Babywatch 2010 has been under way for well over a week at this point (in my mind anyway... really the baby has only been due since Friday). I really just can't wait to meet my niece or nephew in person, and for that kid to stop kicking my BFF in the ribs! :)

Meanwhile, in my personal life, well, nothing exciting. I no longer feel stupid in my new job - I think I've got a pretty good handle on the stuff specific to this job that I didn't have any prior experience with, or at least I don't suck too bad at it (I'm thinking specifically of the drive thru, here. I keep getting put on it, so I guess I'm at least passable at it).

I nearly lost my shit today though when a customer called her drink a "crappuccino" today. She rolls up to the drive thru and is describing this drink that has ice and caramel and whip cream and it's "F-L-A-T" but it's a cappuccino... so, I convince her to come to the window and have someone else listen in to see if I'm crazy, but no, I'm not, and we finally get to the drink she really wants, and she's like "right, a crappuccino." And when she finally got her drink, she told me her life story. Really nice lady, too, so it was really hard for me to not laugh my ass of at her.

We are the narwhals of the land

I just had a lovely weekend with my family. Yesterday I went out with my BFF in the morning and then I went out with my cousins to see Oceans. We had such a fun time together, with lots of "you had to be there" moments, and laughing so hard that my abs hurt this morning. :)

Today I had work and got to learn drive thru (OMG stress), and then I went to the party for my cousin's christening, and had another sweet time with my family. All in all, things are going well. I need better shoes, though. LOL

The nose does something

I ordered two new nose screws today. One that's clear with a flat top that I can wear to work that's better than the cheap one I got at Hot Topic that keeps sticking me in the middle of my nose because it's straight and not a screw. The other one is a pretty one with a pink cubic zirconia jewel. I'm pretty excited about both things because I haven't had a new nose stud in years and because I prefer the screw style to the "poke the inside of my nose" variety. So here's hoping that I like them in real life as much as I did on the internet.

I do still think it's kind of silly for a company to have a policy against a tiny nose stud, but I do understand where it could be complicated with the semantics. Like mine probably isn't so bad, but it wouldn't be fair to tell someone that my little one is okay but their ring is not. It's just frustrating to have to seek out a solution that doesn't poke me in the nose, especially since I'm so pale that I can't cover it up with tape or a band-aid without that being more obvious than the stud itself.

Oh well. Bed time. Both jobs tomorrow.

Thoughts and Crazy

I'm having a little bit of anxiety today and I don't know why. I hate days when this happens.

Also, I'm terribly annoyed by the need of members of my family to be "right." Even when they are wrong they need to add a comment about how they were right about some part of something. I just get tired of having nice moments and nice memories ruined by the need to be "right." Who cares? It was nice, the exact details don't matter.

Anyway, I'm working on a couple of crochet ideas. I want to make a case for my hooks, since right now they live in the plastic I bought them in. I'd also like to make a cute wristband/bracelet thing I found because I think it would be a pretty way to cover up my tattoo for work now/in the future.

I'm really looking forward to my student teaching in January. I think that's probably a little dorky, especially since I still have a whole semester in between now and then. But I really think it's going to be fun.

I guess I'll go to bed and let this anxious day end.

Back to Barista and other general updates

It's been 11 days since I last posted - what a bum!!!!!

Anyway, I started my new job this week, and it's cool because I already know how to do a lot of it since I've been a barista for as long as I've been working.  I really enjoy it, honestly.  I know it sounds silly, but I love that.  I love having that as a random fact about me.  It's almost as good as the "I'm citable" one, which is just way cooler than words.

My grades for my first semester have pretty much come down and they're all good.  I'm waiting for a final grade in the one course, but considering I got full marks on all the assignments, I think I'm in good shape.  First semester as a graduate student:  achieved!

An open letter

Dear Skin,

I appreciate and understand that you are the largest organ on my body. I marvel at your power. But today I fold. You are killing me. Like me, you are far too sensitive. We're going on three days of being itchy because we're allergic to something in the Bath & Body works lotion that we used on Friday. Not cool. Seriously? I've counted at least six spots where I've bled from this.

It's time that we stop this nonsense. Please?

With love,

Your tenant, Kristen

Beautiful Story

Last night, I read When You Reach Me, by Rebecca Stead.  This book was fantastic.  It's a children's story, and I picked it up because it won the Newberry, and I'm pretty much never disappointed in Newberry winners.  This book was no exception.  It was so engaging that I couldn't put it down, and it was so moving that I cried.  It's very rare for me to read a book that leaves me with the same feeling this one did.  It was utterly beautiful.  I finished it in four hours.

It's a story about a twelve year old girl named Miranda, who starts getting mysterious notes that predict her future, and tell her that the sender has come to save her friend as well as himself.  It's so great because it's a mix of the real hardship of hitting adolescence and having friendships grow, change and separate, and a little bit of the fantasy element of time travel.  I really enjoyed it and I wanted to write something down about it.

Other books that have moved me like this one:  A Density of Souls, The Secret Garden, Paper Towns.